Stardate: 25634.0
I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I get lost in this perfect world where everything is peaceful and happy. I can’t figure out why I attach myself to certain people. I always end up hurting myself…
I thought I found love. Turns out, I was kidding myself. I meet this guy, we fool around, we start talking, and suddenly, I care about him. On a level beyond friends, beyond anything I've ever experienced, we seriously connected. I could call him my best friend. He is so kind, so sweet, and so sincere. I'm surprised that someone like him exists in this world. The feeling I got when I looked at him and smiled, I knew that he loved me too. Then, something happened…something changed and suddenly, that feeling was gone.
Though he claims I did nothing, he says it’s him…that he’s going through a lot and can’t handle a relationship and that we should be friends. I guess I’m a good friend because that’s usually what it turns out to be. I was devastated. That’s when I turned into an emotional mess. Why? When the two of us connected so well and have a lot in common and care about each other, why would he push me away? I feel like I must have made it all up in my head, but I know there was something there. I know it!
I don’t know why I cling to people like that. I push too hard for a relationship when I should just let things happen. Now I’m left with so many unanswered questions and a lost, lonely feeling inside. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I never met him so I wouldn’t feel like this…but I know that that is wrong. I love this guy, I’ll stand by him, I’ll fight for him…but who knows.
I have the best time hang out with him…joking, laughing, talking, or just being in his company. I have the worst time dealing with my feelings inside…of doubt, remorse, and rejection. I’m angry at myself for getting so close and caring so much for a guy that doesn’t feel the same way. Though the feelings I have for him won’t go away, I know I’ll make it. Hopefully, something good will come out of all of this.
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