Tabula Rasa...

Stardate: 25639.9

You know when you do something you kind of regret doing and wish you had that handy time machine to take you back to stop you from doing it...boy, wouldn't that be the day? You're minding your own damn business, when suddenly your crazy, future self appears from thin air, and stopping you from doing something stupid...which would defeat the purpose of you having to go back in time, in the future, to stop yourself from doing nothing you ever did because your future self stopped you from doing it...

Anyways, I know everyone has done something they just wish they had never done. Unfortunately, time travel isn't possible. Making mistakes is all part of the human learning process. Though, sometimes it would be nice if everyone was born knowing all the secrets of the universe...mistakes wouldn't be made.

I owe someone a huge debt of gratitude, for the mistake I made with him, others would see as unforgiveable. It takes real patience and a good heart to forgive me for what I had done. After I realized I was making a big mistake, all I wanted was a damn time machine. The damage was done, but hearing him say, “it’s okay,” was such a huge relief. It was as though I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, taking it a long distance while the continued to build and build…I was suddenly allowed to drop the weight and given tabula rasa, a clean slate…

I will certainly learn from my mistake…the whole point of learning from mistakes is to know not to ever do it again. I was given another chance by the most wonderful and understanding person. I couldn’t ask for anything else…not even a time machine.

The Best of Times, The Worst if Times…

Stardate: 25634.0

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I get lost in this perfect world where everything is peaceful and happy. I can’t figure out why I attach myself to certain people. I always end up hurting myself…

I thought I found love. Turns out, I was kidding myself. I meet this guy, we fool around, we start talking, and suddenly, I care about him. On a level beyond friends, beyond anything I've ever experienced, we seriously connected. I could call him my best friend. He is so kind, so sweet, and so sincere. I'm surprised that someone like him exists in this world. The feeling I got when I looked at him and smiled, I knew that he loved me too. Then, something happened…something changed and suddenly, that feeling was gone.

Though he claims I did nothing, he says it’s him…that he’s going through a lot and can’t handle a relationship and that we should be friends. I guess I’m a good friend because that’s usually what it turns out to be. I was devastated. That’s when I turned into an emotional mess. Why? When the two of us connected so well and have a lot in common and care about each other, why would he push me away? I feel like I must have made it all up in my head, but I know there was something there. I know it!

I don’t know why I cling to people like that. I push too hard for a relationship when I should just let things happen. Now I’m left with so many unanswered questions and a lost, lonely feeling inside. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I never met him so I wouldn’t feel like this…but I know that that is wrong. I love this guy, I’ll stand by him, I’ll fight for him…but who knows.

I have the best time hang out with him…joking, laughing, talking, or just being in his company. I have the worst time dealing with my feelings inside…of doubt, remorse, and rejection. I’m angry at myself for getting so close and caring so much for a guy that doesn’t feel the same way. Though the feelings I have for him won’t go away, I know I’ll make it. Hopefully, something good will come out of all of this.