Conspiracy Theory!

Stardate: 25723.3

Letting your imagination run wild can be a very bad thing. You think you know someone...They tell you things and you believe everything they say. However, sometimes their actions contradict their words. When that happens, I start believing that they are working against me in the worst ways. If I'm left in the dark too long, my mind keeps wondering and wondering until I start believing things I put together. Then, I freak out and explode. I make such a mess of things out of what could be nothing...yet still could also be true.

I'm frustrated with the fact that I care so much about this guy, I do very generous things for him and go out of my way to make sure he's happy. He's been through a lot...more than one person alone should go through...I’m always there for him…and I get nothing, just the hard emotions that come with it. I don't ask for anything in return except for his attention and some time to spend with him.

I started to think that he was just using me, calling me only when he needed something and then start avoiding and ignoring me when he didn’t. He does things that make me question how he really feels. I just want him to be safe and happy…that’s all! But, it’s like he doesn’t want that or something…I don’t know.

Tabula Rasa...

Stardate: 25639.9

You know when you do something you kind of regret doing and wish you had that handy time machine to take you back to stop you from doing it...boy, wouldn't that be the day? You're minding your own damn business, when suddenly your crazy, future self appears from thin air, and stopping you from doing something stupid...which would defeat the purpose of you having to go back in time, in the future, to stop yourself from doing nothing you ever did because your future self stopped you from doing it...

Anyways, I know everyone has done something they just wish they had never done. Unfortunately, time travel isn't possible. Making mistakes is all part of the human learning process. Though, sometimes it would be nice if everyone was born knowing all the secrets of the universe...mistakes wouldn't be made.

I owe someone a huge debt of gratitude, for the mistake I made with him, others would see as unforgiveable. It takes real patience and a good heart to forgive me for what I had done. After I realized I was making a big mistake, all I wanted was a damn time machine. The damage was done, but hearing him say, “it’s okay,” was such a huge relief. It was as though I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, taking it a long distance while the continued to build and build…I was suddenly allowed to drop the weight and given tabula rasa, a clean slate…

I will certainly learn from my mistake…the whole point of learning from mistakes is to know not to ever do it again. I was given another chance by the most wonderful and understanding person. I couldn’t ask for anything else…not even a time machine.

The Best of Times, The Worst if Times…

Stardate: 25634.0

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I get lost in this perfect world where everything is peaceful and happy. I can’t figure out why I attach myself to certain people. I always end up hurting myself…

I thought I found love. Turns out, I was kidding myself. I meet this guy, we fool around, we start talking, and suddenly, I care about him. On a level beyond friends, beyond anything I've ever experienced, we seriously connected. I could call him my best friend. He is so kind, so sweet, and so sincere. I'm surprised that someone like him exists in this world. The feeling I got when I looked at him and smiled, I knew that he loved me too. Then, something happened…something changed and suddenly, that feeling was gone.

Though he claims I did nothing, he says it’s him…that he’s going through a lot and can’t handle a relationship and that we should be friends. I guess I’m a good friend because that’s usually what it turns out to be. I was devastated. That’s when I turned into an emotional mess. Why? When the two of us connected so well and have a lot in common and care about each other, why would he push me away? I feel like I must have made it all up in my head, but I know there was something there. I know it!

I don’t know why I cling to people like that. I push too hard for a relationship when I should just let things happen. Now I’m left with so many unanswered questions and a lost, lonely feeling inside. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I never met him so I wouldn’t feel like this…but I know that that is wrong. I love this guy, I’ll stand by him, I’ll fight for him…but who knows.

I have the best time hang out with him…joking, laughing, talking, or just being in his company. I have the worst time dealing with my feelings inside…of doubt, remorse, and rejection. I’m angry at myself for getting so close and caring so much for a guy that doesn’t feel the same way. Though the feelings I have for him won’t go away, I know I’ll make it. Hopefully, something good will come out of all of this.

The Alternative

Stardate: 25391.4

The other day, as I was watching Lost. At the end of last season, they blew up a nuclear device 30 years in the past. The beginning of this season they started showing an alternate universe where the plane they were on never crashed and landed safely in Los Angeles. The nuclear device potentially stopped the construction of a hatch designed to control the instability of a magnetic pocket of energy on the island, which caused the plane to crash.

In this universe, I certainly have not lived up to my potential. I want to be somebody important in this world, somebody who makes a difference. There is no doubt in my mind that I am this person in an alternate universe.

I personally do not believe in alternate universes. I believe that time is only a human perception of something that had happened in a blink of an eye. Everything we know is set in stone. We are living our lives on predetermined path with a fork in the road. Go left or go right. It is only people’s imagination of what could have been that allow the idea of alternate universes. We can choose any number of decisions at one point. In the end, you are only aware of the one choice you made, not the alternative. You either go left or you go right, you simply cannot do both.

It gets you thinking though. I think about the choices I have made and my possible outcomes to every bad decision. I cannot go back in time and blow up a nuclear device to change my life but I can learn from every mistake and focus on making better decisions in the future. Maybe I will be somebody someday...