Trapped Between Somewhere And Nowhere!

Stardate: 24832.4

It isn't quite clear where I belong. The world is chaotic and cruel. There are many people I don’t trust, people that pretend they care but don’t, and people that use me for what little I have. It’s confusing to decipher what people’s intensions really are as to who I can trust.

People are selfish. Everyone always does what’s in the best interest of themselves. Trust is a risky thing because people may decide to act with you or against you at their own will. Putting trust in someone is something I have a tough time doing. I have been betrayed many, many times. So the people I put my trust in are special because I hardly trust anyone.

Emotions are often a factor in social situations. I try not to become emotionally compromised by my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and left in ruins and forced to move on. Whether someone cares about me or my feelings or not, pretending to care is something people do. I’ve been hurt by someone who told me they don’t want to hurt me. Why bother?

I hate and resent the feeling of being rejected or judged. I know that no one can help being who they are…I can’t help being who I am. I try being as socially acceptable as possible. I am a nice and generous person and share what little I may have. Some people see it as a venerability and take advantage of me. I don’t mind help others out, but when people abuse my generosity for their satisfaction, I become less kind and not as giving.

It’s hard not knowing your place in the world. It’s difficult deciding who’s with you and who’s against you…who you can trust and who you can’t…who cares and who couldn’t give a flying fuck! Feelings like this leave me trapped between somewhere and nowhere, wherever that may be. I have to face the world and all it’s challenges. Once again I realize I am all alone.

The Bright Sides

Stardate: 24772.0

Though the world is filled with unfortunate incidents, the bad things that make life difficult at times, there is always a way to look on the bright sides of things…

I’ve noticed that like to play victim. When something bad will happen to me, I seem to always make things sound worse than they actually are. Poor me, right? I am not the dead center of the universe. As bad as I may feel when these unfortunate incidents happen, it really doesn’t matter.

In my 24 years of life, I have been though a lot. I can say that what hasn’t killed me has surely made me stronger. Sometimes bad things can be good. The power of knowledge is my driving force, as it is with everyone. If we never experience pain, we will never learn how to heal from it.

Looking on the bright sides of things, even in the darkest situations, can help emotionally. There are always going to be unfortunate incidents. It’s how we deal with them which determine our strength.

Repetition

Stardate: 24769.6

I hate dealing with emotional bullshit. I don’t know why I do this over and over again…get too attached to certain people. When I start to like someone, they will quickly be all I will think about. It’s an enormous problem for both me and the other person. I haven’t been able to keep myself from becoming clingy. The other person is usually trying to brush me off because who wants a clinger? I know I don’t.

I am a nice and a generous person. I like making people I care about happy. I will admit that I am a lonely person just looking for companionship. I think of myself as a social retard. I don’t fit in with most groups of people. I’m quiet and to myself in social situations mostly because I like having semi-intellectual conversations. The topic of most conversations are about usual, irrelevant, everyday bullshit. The punishment for being a social retard…loneliness.

I guess in the end, I just want companionship. I just want someone who can feel the same way I do about them. I start feeling sad and hopeless when I get rejected by someone I like. I feel like I should have LOSER tattooed to my forehead sometimes. I know that I am who I am I can’t do much to dramatically change that and excepted that. I’m really not one to judge others, but I feel judged and rejected by a lot of people. It’s not fair.

I would like to try fitting in with other people. I don’t care about being cool or widely accepted by everyone. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore and pouring my heart out to my blog. I hope I can someday find my lost happiness.

The Roller Coaster…of Love!

Stardate: 24759.2

I am on an emotional roller coaster with guys, let me tell you…

Recently, this summer, I met Javier. He is someone I didn’t expect to meet nor have feelings for. I was at the club and wanted to dance with the cute boy Russell was dancing with. I jumped in between them both and suddenly, Javier’s attention was focused on me. We did our thing that night, but started getting to know each other. I fell in love with this guy who admires me too. The only problem is that he lives in Phoenix, Arizona. To me that is a completely different world. If I could just pick my life up here and drop it off there, I would. It’s just too far away from everything I know. It is the same for him too. He can’t just leave and come here.

I called him one night to tell him good night and tell him I love him. After we hung up, he calls me back crying and telling me that he can’t do it anymore. It seemed like something he has been holding in and just dying to let out. I became depressed. Though I knew things between us would never work, I kept hoping for the best and ignored the fact that he was so far away. I excepted it and decided to move on.

Rob was next, I met him a few weeks later. He sent me a sweet message on MySpace. We met and chilled together. I noticed right away that he liked me way too much. He tried rushing things on me. Things like feelings. I simply didn’t feel as strong toward him as he did with me. I tried explaining how he needed to slow things down and stop thinking of me as property…that’s kind of how I felt. I took some time to myself for a while, like a week, and he took it I didn’t what to talk to him and freaked out.

Then, came Drew, who recently became a good friend of mine. We both work together and started hanging out. We hooked up one night and after that I started developing feelings for him. He’s not like most people. When most people just say things others want to hear, he sounds mostly sincere rather than lie about it. I respect him for that. He doesn’t have feelings for me, however. It’s like I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…but I know he won’t. A dead end for love, but an awesome and caring friend.

Finally, there is Craig, someone I met through my friend, Justin. Justin likes me and I kind of like Justin, but when I met Craig, I went gaga over him. Craig flatters me in odd ways. He makes me feel comfortable around him. We joke around with each other a lot. I don’t know if he likes me as a boy or like a boyfriend. Either way, I look up to him and respect him. He’s a fun guy to be around.

Emotions run up and down with each guy. It is like a roller coaster. I get too attached too fast and get too hurt. In the end, whoever I may be with, I know that everything will be fine. My feelings are tough to hurt. I am a nice person outside but tough as diamonds inside. Emotions are irrelevant. They can be manipulated and controlled. I try to love and be loved, but it’s as if I can love anyone, yet no one really, truly cares about me. I guess I have to just except it and move on. Someday, I’ll be happy without trying so hard to look like it. Hopefully…