Where My Heart Belongs…

Stardate: 24875.2

Out of all the people in the world, there is only one person right now I have true feelings for. My heart belongs to Javier. I never felt this way for anyone as strongly as I do with him. I’ve been searching for that special someone forever now. I’ve searched hard, and in it all, I’ve been crushed and hurt so many times. As soon as I give up on the idea of having my special guy, he came out of nowhere and literally surprised the hell out of me.

Even though he currently lives far away, the time we had spent together was unforgettable. He is one of a kind. I respect him for the kind and sweet heart he has. Being so far away from him brought me down. I never felt it so hard to part with someone. When we parted ways and continued our separate lives, there was not day I didn’t think about why I shouldn’t just pack up and leave everything I know and love to be closer to him.

The happiest news I got recently was when Javier told me he was coming back. I now have a second chance to be with the guy I love. Hopefully, he’ll be here long enough for me to figure out where I want to go in life. It’s opened a door in the way I look at my future. I hope he feels the same too.

I loves you, Javi! MUAH!

Whatever Is Clever...

Stardate: 24848.9

Though the year has been very unpleasant and unkind at times, I’ve tolerated the tough confrontations that have come my way. I feel like I am consistently on trial as though I was charged for a crime I did not commit in some past lifetime. I should stop feeling like I am being punished for living my life. I am tired of playing victim and ready to move on.

I believe it is wise to remain optimistic. Things could be as grim as day, but when looking at things in a different light, it alters the meaning and true feelings one has of all that may oppose. Strength comes from gaining knowledge of challenging experiences and learning to combat them subsequently.

In other words, it’s been a rough year. Nothing seemed to go my way. I got through the challenges and now I’m ready to move on. I learned to accept everything the way it is and be more optimistic. I see now that the only reason why I had a bad year was because I made it a bad year just by seeing everything in the negative rather than positive.

Trapped Between Somewhere And Nowhere!

Stardate: 24832.4

It isn't quite clear where I belong. The world is chaotic and cruel. There are many people I don’t trust, people that pretend they care but don’t, and people that use me for what little I have. It’s confusing to decipher what people’s intensions really are as to who I can trust.

People are selfish. Everyone always does what’s in the best interest of themselves. Trust is a risky thing because people may decide to act with you or against you at their own will. Putting trust in someone is something I have a tough time doing. I have been betrayed many, many times. So the people I put my trust in are special because I hardly trust anyone.

Emotions are often a factor in social situations. I try not to become emotionally compromised by my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and left in ruins and forced to move on. Whether someone cares about me or my feelings or not, pretending to care is something people do. I’ve been hurt by someone who told me they don’t want to hurt me. Why bother?

I hate and resent the feeling of being rejected or judged. I know that no one can help being who they are…I can’t help being who I am. I try being as socially acceptable as possible. I am a nice and generous person and share what little I may have. Some people see it as a venerability and take advantage of me. I don’t mind help others out, but when people abuse my generosity for their satisfaction, I become less kind and not as giving.

It’s hard not knowing your place in the world. It’s difficult deciding who’s with you and who’s against you…who you can trust and who you can’t…who cares and who couldn’t give a flying fuck! Feelings like this leave me trapped between somewhere and nowhere, wherever that may be. I have to face the world and all it’s challenges. Once again I realize I am all alone.

The Bright Sides

Stardate: 24772.0

Though the world is filled with unfortunate incidents, the bad things that make life difficult at times, there is always a way to look on the bright sides of things…

I’ve noticed that like to play victim. When something bad will happen to me, I seem to always make things sound worse than they actually are. Poor me, right? I am not the dead center of the universe. As bad as I may feel when these unfortunate incidents happen, it really doesn’t matter.

In my 24 years of life, I have been though a lot. I can say that what hasn’t killed me has surely made me stronger. Sometimes bad things can be good. The power of knowledge is my driving force, as it is with everyone. If we never experience pain, we will never learn how to heal from it.

Looking on the bright sides of things, even in the darkest situations, can help emotionally. There are always going to be unfortunate incidents. It’s how we deal with them which determine our strength.

Repetition

Stardate: 24769.6

I hate dealing with emotional bullshit. I don’t know why I do this over and over again…get too attached to certain people. When I start to like someone, they will quickly be all I will think about. It’s an enormous problem for both me and the other person. I haven’t been able to keep myself from becoming clingy. The other person is usually trying to brush me off because who wants a clinger? I know I don’t.

I am a nice and a generous person. I like making people I care about happy. I will admit that I am a lonely person just looking for companionship. I think of myself as a social retard. I don’t fit in with most groups of people. I’m quiet and to myself in social situations mostly because I like having semi-intellectual conversations. The topic of most conversations are about usual, irrelevant, everyday bullshit. The punishment for being a social retard…loneliness.

I guess in the end, I just want companionship. I just want someone who can feel the same way I do about them. I start feeling sad and hopeless when I get rejected by someone I like. I feel like I should have LOSER tattooed to my forehead sometimes. I know that I am who I am I can’t do much to dramatically change that and excepted that. I’m really not one to judge others, but I feel judged and rejected by a lot of people. It’s not fair.

I would like to try fitting in with other people. I don’t care about being cool or widely accepted by everyone. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore and pouring my heart out to my blog. I hope I can someday find my lost happiness.

The Roller Coaster…of Love!

Stardate: 24759.2

I am on an emotional roller coaster with guys, let me tell you…

Recently, this summer, I met Javier. He is someone I didn’t expect to meet nor have feelings for. I was at the club and wanted to dance with the cute boy Russell was dancing with. I jumped in between them both and suddenly, Javier’s attention was focused on me. We did our thing that night, but started getting to know each other. I fell in love with this guy who admires me too. The only problem is that he lives in Phoenix, Arizona. To me that is a completely different world. If I could just pick my life up here and drop it off there, I would. It’s just too far away from everything I know. It is the same for him too. He can’t just leave and come here.

I called him one night to tell him good night and tell him I love him. After we hung up, he calls me back crying and telling me that he can’t do it anymore. It seemed like something he has been holding in and just dying to let out. I became depressed. Though I knew things between us would never work, I kept hoping for the best and ignored the fact that he was so far away. I excepted it and decided to move on.

Rob was next, I met him a few weeks later. He sent me a sweet message on MySpace. We met and chilled together. I noticed right away that he liked me way too much. He tried rushing things on me. Things like feelings. I simply didn’t feel as strong toward him as he did with me. I tried explaining how he needed to slow things down and stop thinking of me as property…that’s kind of how I felt. I took some time to myself for a while, like a week, and he took it I didn’t what to talk to him and freaked out.

Then, came Drew, who recently became a good friend of mine. We both work together and started hanging out. We hooked up one night and after that I started developing feelings for him. He’s not like most people. When most people just say things others want to hear, he sounds mostly sincere rather than lie about it. I respect him for that. He doesn’t have feelings for me, however. It’s like I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…but I know he won’t. A dead end for love, but an awesome and caring friend.

Finally, there is Craig, someone I met through my friend, Justin. Justin likes me and I kind of like Justin, but when I met Craig, I went gaga over him. Craig flatters me in odd ways. He makes me feel comfortable around him. We joke around with each other a lot. I don’t know if he likes me as a boy or like a boyfriend. Either way, I look up to him and respect him. He’s a fun guy to be around.

Emotions run up and down with each guy. It is like a roller coaster. I get too attached too fast and get too hurt. In the end, whoever I may be with, I know that everything will be fine. My feelings are tough to hurt. I am a nice person outside but tough as diamonds inside. Emotions are irrelevant. They can be manipulated and controlled. I try to love and be loved, but it’s as if I can love anyone, yet no one really, truly cares about me. I guess I have to just except it and move on. Someday, I’ll be happy without trying so hard to look like it. Hopefully…

Summer’s End…

Stardate: 24724.7

Summer is my favorite time of the year. There is no cold weather to worry about. Though the days are sweltering, the nights are warm. Just how I like it. Today was the last full day of summer. Summer with officially end and the equinox begins at 15:19 tomorrow. I’m going to miss it.

Work Related Bad Ideas…

Stardate: 24722.4

When I was 18, I fell for a guy I worked with. Back then I was young and stupid with emotions and got too attached to him. His name was Jason. At the time, I didn’t realize how bad of an idea dating someone you work with was. There was always tension between us and it was really awkward.

He was the first person I really ever fell for. Being young and stupid, I didn’t know what love was, but I sure thought I did. Though he didn’t really have any feelings for me, the feelings I had for him were strong and they were certainly there. After he expresses his lack of feelings for me saying I was nothing more than a booty call, I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do, things started to get messy. I was angry and I felt used. I was so heartbroken.

If I had never experienced my obsession with Jason, I wouldn’t be the way I am today. The feelings I felt made me stronger in way. I see it now as a huge mistake and if I could go back and change it, I would. I learned a valuable lesson, not to let my emotions, whether they are good or bad, get the best of me.

Dating someone at work became a big no no! A workplace can become very stressful. Any drama would have to be dropped at the door. To have feelings for someone you work with plus the added work stress plus seeing them more often than you’d like to see anyone equal tension and frustration. It’s something I said I’d never do again…

But guess what? I kind of have feelings for this guy I work with. I don’t know, when I started there, I never really noticed him and I thought he didn’t like me very much. Not a lot of people do, however, I don’t really care. After working with him for several months, I thought he was an asshole the way he talked to me in a kind of spiteful tone. When I started working more nights, when he usually works, we started to kick it and get to know each other a little better. I guess I kind of started to like him, but in the front of my mind, that alarm would go off, BIG NO NO!

One night he had some alcohol and shared with me. We started getting a little playful and before I knew what my stupid drunk ass just did, we hooked up. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind since…

Mixed signals, one telling me I like him, another telling me to think about things for a minute, and another saying to go for it. We both agreed to remain friends because we work together. It really hurt me to be the one to bring that up. Though it’s for the best for both of us, I do really like this guy and I really do care about him and what happens to him. It’s strange and it’s weird because I can’t explain why I have these feelings.

I don’t know what to do. I try to avoid the feelings and think about something else, but in the end, I feel like crap because I can’t have him. I get so angry and jealous when he talks about his ex or other guys. I get excited to see him at work or if we’re just kicking it. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Every fiber in my being tells me to forget about it and move on, but for some reason I can’t explain, I can’t.

The Crazy Life!

Stardate: 24716.6

Since I was about 15, I started having views in which contradicted views I was raised on. I started looking at the world more logically...more scientifically. Things began making more sense explained in a scientific view rather than a religious view. I saw the world as a very chaotic place because religion was the cause of wars and hatred. The world is politically divided and bordered because people cannot get along. I don't see why...

The belief of God or any higher power started looking like a made up lie. I mean how can anyone create man in his image, give us the power of free will, and damn us all to hell for any wrong doing, yet still loves us all the same? Crazy!!! Even at 15, I believe people are delusional and very closed mined.

Since then, I became a rebel. Everything I was taught was bad, I figured...what the hell?Here begins the crazy life. Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, staying out late, and finding crazy trouble became something I enjoyed doing. To this date, the crazy seems to follow me. I turned from good and innocent to crazy because I dropped faith in God and in the world. I think I just stopped caring about whether God was watching or not. If he was, then where was he?

I enjoy the crazy life, things seem to be more fun...more interesting...more challenging. I don't see it going away for some time.

09/09/09

Stardate: 24689.9 (09/09/09 09:09)

Today is a special day. According to those some circa 2000 years or so or whatever ago...people were aware of the night sky's repetition year after year. 365 1/4 days were created to fully complete a cycle everyone knows as a year. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 4 seasons with 2 equinoxes and 2 solstices. Tracking the sky is how we have been able to figure out shit about our universe. It’s a crazy thing. So, with setting a milestone, we have come 2009 years. The date is set and it is September 9th, 2009 making it 09/09/09.