Stardate: 24759.2
I am on an emotional roller coaster with guys, let me tell you…
Recently, this summer, I met Javier. He is someone I didn’t expect to meet nor have feelings for. I was at the club and wanted to dance with the cute boy Russell was dancing with. I jumped in between them both and suddenly, Javier’s attention was focused on me. We did our thing that night, but started getting to know each other. I fell in love with this guy who admires me too. The only problem is that he lives in Phoenix, Arizona. To me that is a completely different world. If I could just pick my life up here and drop it off there, I would. It’s just too far away from everything I know. It is the same for him too. He can’t just leave and come here.
I called him one night to tell him good night and tell him I love him. After we hung up, he calls me back crying and telling me that he can’t do it anymore. It seemed like something he has been holding in and just dying to let out. I became depressed. Though I knew things between us would never work, I kept hoping for the best and ignored the fact that he was so far away. I excepted it and decided to move on.
Rob was next, I met him a few weeks later. He sent me a sweet message on MySpace. We met and chilled together. I noticed right away that he liked me way too much. He tried rushing things on me. Things like feelings. I simply didn’t feel as strong toward him as he did with me. I tried explaining how he needed to slow things down and stop thinking of me as property…that’s kind of how I felt. I took some time to myself for a while, like a week, and he took it I didn’t what to talk to him and freaked out.
Then, came Drew, who recently became a good friend of mine. We both work together and started hanging out. We hooked up one night and after that I started developing feelings for him. He’s not like most people. When most people just say things others want to hear, he sounds mostly sincere rather than lie about it. I respect him for that. He doesn’t have feelings for me, however. It’s like I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…but I know he won’t. A dead end for love, but an awesome and caring friend.
Finally, there is Craig, someone I met through my friend, Justin. Justin likes me and I kind of like Justin, but when I met Craig, I went gaga over him. Craig flatters me in odd ways. He makes me feel comfortable around him. We joke around with each other a lot. I don’t know if he likes me as a boy or like a boyfriend. Either way, I look up to him and respect him. He’s a fun guy to be around.
Emotions run up and down with each guy. It is like a roller coaster. I get too attached too fast and get too hurt. In the end, whoever I may be with, I know that everything will be fine. My feelings are tough to hurt. I am a nice person outside but tough as diamonds inside. Emotions are irrelevant. They can be manipulated and controlled. I try to love and be loved, but it’s as if I can love anyone, yet no one really, truly cares about me. I guess I have to just except it and move on. Someday, I’ll be happy without trying so hard to look like it. Hopefully…
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