Ringing In The New Year...

Stardate: 24991.7

For what was suppose to be The Year of The Phenomenon, it turned into The Year of Total Bullshit! I would like every year to be a good year. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. In the case of 2009, it was horrible.

I don't ever want to label a year good or bad anymore. 2009 has been a total nightmare from the beginning. I guess having high hopes brought down my whole positive aspect of what was suppose to be a year of moving forward…instead, my life went backwards. So many things went wrong, it feels as though nothing good came out of this year. I lost my nice job at APS, I went to jail and dealt with a year of court drama, I had so many social imperfections, and I’ve become so distant from my family. It’s just so depressing…

I am ready for something new. I need to change my life around. I am sick of being stuck in a dead end. There is no time better than the start of a new year to change things around. I want to be happy again. I need things to go my way. 2010 is the year I’m going to make a few adjustments that will hopefully turn everything 180 degrees back in the right direction.

First thing’s first! I’m going back to school. I’m going to go for a pharmacy technician degree in the fall. I need to start my prerequisites this spring to get ready for the fall term. No more fucking around. I need a job that can support my way of living. I can’t stay at Sonic forever.

Next, I need to get rid of all the shitty people in my life that are holding me back. This includes people that are roughly judgmental. I’m sick of people that are closed minded and can’t think for themselves. I care for the people that care about themselves and others and treat people as equals. I’m ready to welcome new people that can see the world as I do.

Last, I need to focus on the future. My future. As everyone should say to themselves, “This is my world, everyone else is just living in it.” Drama that isn’t my own will no longer be tolerated. It’s time I worry about my life and not other people’s messy lives. Everyone is forced to coexist with one another, but not forced to involve themselves in someone else’s life. Drama is only a distraction from my goals.

2010 is the year my life is going to change. If I keep my head up high, I can strive to be the person I have longed to be…to be someone in this world.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and wish everyone good luck on their resolutions. It’s not going to be easy, but everyone deserves some hope. Happy 2010!

Lost Things Better Off Lost.

Stardate: 24974.4

When it comes to friendship, friends are suppose to be there for you in a time of need. Friends are who you turn to, after all. It hurts when they turn against you and it hurts even worse when they totally replace you with someone else.

When my friend started hanging out with this guy he met,I got a little jealous. He’s with him all the time. He must be a better friend than me or maybe we just aren’t as close of friends as I thought. Things are complicated.

I’ve been there for him when he needed me countless times. I never expected he would turn on me the way he did. Suddenly, I’m out of the picture and when I need him to be there for me, I was rejected. Some friend, huh?

I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that I don’t matter to someone I care about. Things are awkward now and I have to see him all the time. Things can’t ever be the same because trust is something hard to gain back. My trust in him was totally betrayed.

The feelings I once had for him are now lost…and probably better off lost. I just wish there was an easier way to deal with this situation, but like I said, it’s complicated…oh well!

Knowing Who Your True Friends Are…

Stardate: 24948.3

There is nothing worse than losing a friend. Someone you care about who you thought cares about you too. A friend by definition is a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. People can tend to make bad decisions sometimes and do things that can hurt a friend. Trust is something hard to earn back once its lost.

I feel so betrayed by someone I considered my best friend. For a time, we told each other everything. But now, he won’t even talk to me. Even though the feelings are still there, I know I have to let go. I’m not going to let another human being emotionally compromise my life. I am sad but it’s over. There are better friends out there. I just need to be careful and know who my true friends are. Friends won’t make me feel like this.

Going Nowhere Fast…

Stardate: 24880.3

I always try to do the right thing by being an honest and nice person. But who am I kidding? I’m a mess…my life is a mess. I know it and everyone else knows it. I concern myself with other people’s problems when I should be worrying about myself right now.

I’ve got to bury the giant hole I dug myself before I end up getting stuck in it. There is so much drama I’m battling all at once, it seems so overwhelming. If I don’t start cleaning up, I have no doubt I’ll end up in that hole.

I feel like I’m held back from my full potential. The game I’m in doesn’t play fair. It’s like I’m going nowhere fast. The emotions, the drugs, the drama, the court mess…they all play a negative part in my life I wish I can erase. Life is simply not that simple. I need some help to get out, just not sure how to get it…

Where My Heart Belongs…

Stardate: 24875.2

Out of all the people in the world, there is only one person right now I have true feelings for. My heart belongs to Javier. I never felt this way for anyone as strongly as I do with him. I’ve been searching for that special someone forever now. I’ve searched hard, and in it all, I’ve been crushed and hurt so many times. As soon as I give up on the idea of having my special guy, he came out of nowhere and literally surprised the hell out of me.

Even though he currently lives far away, the time we had spent together was unforgettable. He is one of a kind. I respect him for the kind and sweet heart he has. Being so far away from him brought me down. I never felt it so hard to part with someone. When we parted ways and continued our separate lives, there was not day I didn’t think about why I shouldn’t just pack up and leave everything I know and love to be closer to him.

The happiest news I got recently was when Javier told me he was coming back. I now have a second chance to be with the guy I love. Hopefully, he’ll be here long enough for me to figure out where I want to go in life. It’s opened a door in the way I look at my future. I hope he feels the same too.

I loves you, Javi! MUAH!

Whatever Is Clever...

Stardate: 24848.9

Though the year has been very unpleasant and unkind at times, I’ve tolerated the tough confrontations that have come my way. I feel like I am consistently on trial as though I was charged for a crime I did not commit in some past lifetime. I should stop feeling like I am being punished for living my life. I am tired of playing victim and ready to move on.

I believe it is wise to remain optimistic. Things could be as grim as day, but when looking at things in a different light, it alters the meaning and true feelings one has of all that may oppose. Strength comes from gaining knowledge of challenging experiences and learning to combat them subsequently.

In other words, it’s been a rough year. Nothing seemed to go my way. I got through the challenges and now I’m ready to move on. I learned to accept everything the way it is and be more optimistic. I see now that the only reason why I had a bad year was because I made it a bad year just by seeing everything in the negative rather than positive.

Trapped Between Somewhere And Nowhere!

Stardate: 24832.4

It isn't quite clear where I belong. The world is chaotic and cruel. There are many people I don’t trust, people that pretend they care but don’t, and people that use me for what little I have. It’s confusing to decipher what people’s intensions really are as to who I can trust.

People are selfish. Everyone always does what’s in the best interest of themselves. Trust is a risky thing because people may decide to act with you or against you at their own will. Putting trust in someone is something I have a tough time doing. I have been betrayed many, many times. So the people I put my trust in are special because I hardly trust anyone.

Emotions are often a factor in social situations. I try not to become emotionally compromised by my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and left in ruins and forced to move on. Whether someone cares about me or my feelings or not, pretending to care is something people do. I’ve been hurt by someone who told me they don’t want to hurt me. Why bother?

I hate and resent the feeling of being rejected or judged. I know that no one can help being who they are…I can’t help being who I am. I try being as socially acceptable as possible. I am a nice and generous person and share what little I may have. Some people see it as a venerability and take advantage of me. I don’t mind help others out, but when people abuse my generosity for their satisfaction, I become less kind and not as giving.

It’s hard not knowing your place in the world. It’s difficult deciding who’s with you and who’s against you…who you can trust and who you can’t…who cares and who couldn’t give a flying fuck! Feelings like this leave me trapped between somewhere and nowhere, wherever that may be. I have to face the world and all it’s challenges. Once again I realize I am all alone.

The Bright Sides

Stardate: 24772.0

Though the world is filled with unfortunate incidents, the bad things that make life difficult at times, there is always a way to look on the bright sides of things…

I’ve noticed that like to play victim. When something bad will happen to me, I seem to always make things sound worse than they actually are. Poor me, right? I am not the dead center of the universe. As bad as I may feel when these unfortunate incidents happen, it really doesn’t matter.

In my 24 years of life, I have been though a lot. I can say that what hasn’t killed me has surely made me stronger. Sometimes bad things can be good. The power of knowledge is my driving force, as it is with everyone. If we never experience pain, we will never learn how to heal from it.

Looking on the bright sides of things, even in the darkest situations, can help emotionally. There are always going to be unfortunate incidents. It’s how we deal with them which determine our strength.

Repetition

Stardate: 24769.6

I hate dealing with emotional bullshit. I don’t know why I do this over and over again…get too attached to certain people. When I start to like someone, they will quickly be all I will think about. It’s an enormous problem for both me and the other person. I haven’t been able to keep myself from becoming clingy. The other person is usually trying to brush me off because who wants a clinger? I know I don’t.

I am a nice and a generous person. I like making people I care about happy. I will admit that I am a lonely person just looking for companionship. I think of myself as a social retard. I don’t fit in with most groups of people. I’m quiet and to myself in social situations mostly because I like having semi-intellectual conversations. The topic of most conversations are about usual, irrelevant, everyday bullshit. The punishment for being a social retard…loneliness.

I guess in the end, I just want companionship. I just want someone who can feel the same way I do about them. I start feeling sad and hopeless when I get rejected by someone I like. I feel like I should have LOSER tattooed to my forehead sometimes. I know that I am who I am I can’t do much to dramatically change that and excepted that. I’m really not one to judge others, but I feel judged and rejected by a lot of people. It’s not fair.

I would like to try fitting in with other people. I don’t care about being cool or widely accepted by everyone. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore and pouring my heart out to my blog. I hope I can someday find my lost happiness.

The Roller Coaster…of Love!

Stardate: 24759.2

I am on an emotional roller coaster with guys, let me tell you…

Recently, this summer, I met Javier. He is someone I didn’t expect to meet nor have feelings for. I was at the club and wanted to dance with the cute boy Russell was dancing with. I jumped in between them both and suddenly, Javier’s attention was focused on me. We did our thing that night, but started getting to know each other. I fell in love with this guy who admires me too. The only problem is that he lives in Phoenix, Arizona. To me that is a completely different world. If I could just pick my life up here and drop it off there, I would. It’s just too far away from everything I know. It is the same for him too. He can’t just leave and come here.

I called him one night to tell him good night and tell him I love him. After we hung up, he calls me back crying and telling me that he can’t do it anymore. It seemed like something he has been holding in and just dying to let out. I became depressed. Though I knew things between us would never work, I kept hoping for the best and ignored the fact that he was so far away. I excepted it and decided to move on.

Rob was next, I met him a few weeks later. He sent me a sweet message on MySpace. We met and chilled together. I noticed right away that he liked me way too much. He tried rushing things on me. Things like feelings. I simply didn’t feel as strong toward him as he did with me. I tried explaining how he needed to slow things down and stop thinking of me as property…that’s kind of how I felt. I took some time to myself for a while, like a week, and he took it I didn’t what to talk to him and freaked out.

Then, came Drew, who recently became a good friend of mine. We both work together and started hanging out. We hooked up one night and after that I started developing feelings for him. He’s not like most people. When most people just say things others want to hear, he sounds mostly sincere rather than lie about it. I respect him for that. He doesn’t have feelings for me, however. It’s like I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…but I know he won’t. A dead end for love, but an awesome and caring friend.

Finally, there is Craig, someone I met through my friend, Justin. Justin likes me and I kind of like Justin, but when I met Craig, I went gaga over him. Craig flatters me in odd ways. He makes me feel comfortable around him. We joke around with each other a lot. I don’t know if he likes me as a boy or like a boyfriend. Either way, I look up to him and respect him. He’s a fun guy to be around.

Emotions run up and down with each guy. It is like a roller coaster. I get too attached too fast and get too hurt. In the end, whoever I may be with, I know that everything will be fine. My feelings are tough to hurt. I am a nice person outside but tough as diamonds inside. Emotions are irrelevant. They can be manipulated and controlled. I try to love and be loved, but it’s as if I can love anyone, yet no one really, truly cares about me. I guess I have to just except it and move on. Someday, I’ll be happy without trying so hard to look like it. Hopefully…