The Past Ten Days or So…

Stardate: 24654.4

Wow, I haven't had the time to blog for a while. I need to get back up on that shit. I had a crazy past 10 days or so...

The stress of going to court is unbearable and builds more and more the closer it gets to the date. It’s stressful because I don’t have a clue what will happen to me. Every time  I’ve gone, all they seem to do is want to put me in jail. They always find something random that I never showed up to that I never knew about. It’s a crazy mess. Now, they keep postponing later and later. It’s driving me nuts! I just want this gone.

Right before having to go to court, I smashed my fucking thumb into the car door as I was shutting it. The nail is going to fall off. The smashing it part didn’t hurt as much as the rejection part. This thing is nasty…it’s been fun showing people and grossing them out. Yeah so, I hit the bottom part of the nail. I watched it turn from pink to red to blue to purple to black. Once it was black it started spreading through the whole nail. The pain was insane, I couldn’t sleep two days because of it. There wasn’t much to do but bitch and whine to myself about it. I was careful not to let anything touch it. It’s fine now. It’s gross.

Not too long after, I started feeling nauseous. I stared getting a fever and  started throwing up until there was nothing at all anymore to throw up. I could keep any food down or move or walk. Pepto worked for five minutes until that would go to. That was my secret weapon against what ever motherfucking virus this was. By day 3, I was considering going to the hospital. But my boyfriend, Rob, invited me over to take care of me. He did a good job too. I finally stopped throwing up but the nausea slowly started going away and I finally stopped. This was no swine flu. Shit, I would have gladly taken that instead. No one else I came in contact with got sick, so luckily it wasn’t contagious. On the other hand, the past 10 days for me have been hell. I was finally able to fall and stay asleep. That’s all I did yesterday, like all day. It was wonderful.

All Hands To Battle Stations…

Stardate: 24553.2

There are so many things in the world that are corrupt that I can't even begin to understand...some I don't even want to. It's strange how we consider ourselves as free people. But, if you thought really hard about it, you'd realize that we're not. We live under a false sense of security thinking that we're safe when we can succumb to an infinite number of possible things. Whether it be justified or not, we live in a realm of the unknown. There is nothing else in the world that scares the living shit out of me more than that.

Time is a curious thing, we live as of now. What's been done is done and there is no way to change the past. The future is unpredictable but we have access to choose the outcome. Everything is chosen by us as sentient beings and excepted or regretted. I have no choice but to except the inevitable. There are a few things I do regret...

First, I regret getting in trouble. I'm a good person and even though I need to take the punishment for my crimes, I still don't want to face it and I still don't think I deserve it. Second, I regret meeting a boy I absolutely fell in love with, who popped out of nowhere, and not moving my messed up life to Phoenix and starting over like I should have. It's too late for that now. Third, I regret making everything seem like it is okay. I know that for the past few months things haven't been okay, things aren't okay, and I'm not really sure whether or not things will ever be okay. I sure as hell don't have anyone here telling me it going to be okay.

I live as though my ship is being sailed straight into the heart of the enemy. There is a war and it's all hands to battle stations. No hope of escape, no hope of survival, just waiting for the attack. Everyone must do there best, despite the odds, and fight to the bitter end...just as we do in real life. We are not safe, but we all do the best we can, and that's all we really can do.

The Odd Reunion.

Stardate: 24318.9

Today was my first a working back at Sonic, where I never thought I'd ever end up again. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. At first, I was nervous info weird just by being there. I worked there for three years include two years ago, after two years there's been a lot that has changed and some that hasn't changed at all. I used to be a manager there and knew the place so well. After a while, I started having a feeling like I belong, kind of like I was home…not that I want to work there for the rest of my life. I guess I grew very accustomed to the place, it just feels like home. It is very odd.

But, I survived. Whether or not I like the decision I made, I need this job…I need a job. It's a job! I was kind of surprised that they hired me back because I didn't exactly leave on the best of terms. Nothing serious though. I was put under a lot of pressure and stress I wasn't able to handle at that time, so I freaked out, left, and never went back. The only thing I have to do is get to know and get along with all the new people that I now work with.

A Time To Celebrate?

Stardate: 24313.6

The reason why I lost my job with APS back in January wasn’t because of the economy or for anything bad…I wasn’t qualified for the job. My supervisor, one of the assistant principals at Highland High School, was an idiot. He is one of those people that can sit you down and make you feel small, inferior, and useless. He told me that if he had anything to do with my hiring in the first place, I would have never been hired. Luckily, I’m a person who can take scrutiny. He wasn’t able to make me feel small, inferior, or useless, but he sure put me in my place. Listening to the long list of things that I was doing that he didn’t like, I started thinking why is this job worth staying for? Fuck it! I didn’t really do or say much to try to save my job.

So, I was fired. I guess I can say I was a little depressed about it. I didn’t really do much to get another job. In fact, I’ve tried to avoid getting a new job. I wanted to sleep and be lazy all day. I wanted to watch TV and eat ice cream. I just wanted to be left alone. Now, that I have no money, I decided to go to Sonic and fill out an application. Sure enough I got my job back. I really don’t know what to think, I hope this will be a good thing. I’m excited. I don’t think is really a time to celebrate a job a kind of hated and walked out with angst. What the hell, to a job…let’s celebrate.

What’s Happening On That Crazy Island?

Stardate: 24291.4 The Island...one crazy, weird, tripped out, mysterious place. LOST is a show beyond anything I have ever seen before. It's my favorite show. There is so much going on, too much to explain it all, but everyone has their story that you learn little by little throughout the entire show. Crazy and sometimes horrible things will happen that you never expect. Any questions you may have, have you dying for the answers...and you have to wait for those. The storyline timeline is all chaotic, so you will know something happened but it will be explained why or how later on. The show drives me absolutely insane. There's always a cliffhanger at the end of each episode. I always scream "NOOOOOOO!" at the end and have to wait until next week...sometimes next season. It's frustrating but exciting all the same and I encourage everyone to watch. I can't wait to see what happens.

What's Turning Into…The Year Of Hell!

Stardate: 24288.0

I am surviving this horrible, shitty year. Though I am surviving, I am at my breaking point. The year started out horrible, than just got worse. Bad economy, huh? That seems to be what everyone stuck on. The banks are freaking out because there's a shortage of money...our government seems to be coming up with it out of thin air. So, the banks stop lending money, jobs are cut, people stop spending, and the whole damn thing fell apart. Who's to say things will get better? What's to keep it from happening again?

I want the economy to be the least of my troubles, however, it's not. The economic crisis is just an added bonus. The society I have the misfortune of living amongst on this God forsaken rock has turned on me. There is no justice in this world. I don’t have any intention of doing harm to anyone. I leave everyone alone, but that doesn’t stop anyone from leaving me alone. For having a pipe in my glove box, I am being punished. I forgot the stupid thing was in there. It wasn’t like I was selling weed, growing it or smoking it right there in my car while I was getting pulled over. It’s not like I asked the cop if he would like to take a hit while he writes a traffic ticket.

They heard the “that’s not mine” story too many times to believe that I was being truthful and honest. I explained how it got there. No, I spent the next ten hours being released at the jail because I guess I was an incredible danger to society. When I get there the clerk said she would trust me to show up to court and I would be released. Being released took forever, I just sat and waited all day and all night before they shuttled me and small group downtown. If I was going to jail for a pipe, I wonder how many people are in there for something similar or for something petty. What are jails for again? I thought it was to keep dangerous people away from everybody so no one gets hurt. But I now know that law enforcement abuses it to put harmless and practically innocent people away to pay there fines and such. I should have put those cop on a high speed chase, driving on the wrong side of the road, hitting a pedestrian or two, and find a lovely mini van or SUV to ram into killing an nice family just so it would actually be worth going to jail. That would have been something.

So, anyway I show up to court plead not guilty and await trial. If found guilty, my sentence would be a $1000.00 fine and/or a year in jail. I was in stock. I had no legal counsel, but I wasn’t going to spend any time in jail so I took the plea deal for community service and the ASPEN class. I did the community service but the ASPEN class cost $100.00 which I didn’t have because I am unemployed and worthless. So, just for fun, I decided to drag this out even longer. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I’m scared. Jail is a place I never want to go to again. The judge can order me to be booked right there. I am in the position where I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I never wanted it to get this messy, but it is. I am pretty damn sure that this is hell. It sure is what’s turning into the year of hell. I’m just not too sure I’m there yet…

The Punishment Light

Stardate: 24238.6
    I watched an episode of Weeds titled The Punishment Light. I totally have one of those. The Punishment Light is an evil red light that stays red and will not change. I sit there and I wait and wait and wait. I watched the across lights change to yellow and get ready to go, but to my frustration it stays red. The opposite direction gets the green and the green left arrow. By this time, I have called the light every bad word in the book. It's the middle of the night and there's no one around, so I start debating whether or not to run the damn light. Then, it dawns on me that I'm being punished for doing something bad. Oh, and then it turns green! In case you're wondering, it's Carlisle and Candelaria heading southbound . This takes me back to watching that episode of Weeds, because the same exact thing happened on that show for the same reason.
    I did do something bad. My question is, was I really being punished? Who is punishing me or is it that I am leading myself to believe I'm being punished to deal with the guilt? I guess such a question should be left for eternity. I guess we will never know. I swear, it is like that light knew exactly how to upset me.

The World, Falling Apart...Again and Always!

Stardate: 24080.8

There are things about people that I just can't stand and I don't think I will never understand. Working at a school has proven to be very challenging and overwhelming. I have learned to work and get along with my coworkers and all the teenagers running around. My coworkers are all older than me, most are old enough to be my parents. You'd think that people working in a professional establishment could pull off acting civilized, but that is certainly not the case here. The way things run, the way people are treated, and the way people act are examples of the crude environment. It's horrible.

I hate it when people act as though they like you, but in actuality, behind your back they hate your freakin' guts. This is something I just don't understand because I know if I didn't like somebody, I least make an effort to show it. Generally, I'm a nice person and you really have to do something horrible for me not to like you because unlike others I'm not as judgmental and I think that it's nice to be nice. My coworkers don't like me because I'm young, inexperienced to fulfill the full potential of my job, and I guess I don't work as hard as everybody else does. So, the secretarial staff secretly watched and documented anything that pissed them off. I mean, they just about picked off every little thing I did or have said an email my supervisor who is an assistant principal.

I've only worked there six months and there is practically no one there training me with all of the responsibilities that I was responsible for. Usually, I'd figure out a one of my responsibilities when someone would need it done. This doesn't mean I was lazy, wasn't working, or not doing my job at all. My first week there, I worked through registration which was total hell, but I survived anyway and learned the basic responsibilities of my job. Throughout the year, I busted my ass checking in and out textbooks to the thousands of students going to that school. I was overworked and definitely underpaid. I went along thinking for the past six months that I was doing a good job, but during my evaluation on Friday, that just wasn't the case. My supervisor read the list of all the little things I have done wrong that the other members of the staff didn't like. Mostly all of it, and it was a pretty long list, were stupid little things like going on a break at the same time someone would happen to need something from the bookroom, or forget to clear a student's fine from record after they pay me...honest mistake which is easily correctable, just stupid little shit. It was certainly the first time I heard anything about it because everyone goes on like it's business as usual and never confronted me with these issues directly. I'm pretty sure the whole list was created for the sole purpose to get rid of me. Why? I have no idea. I admit I've made some mistakes, last time I checked, I'm human and unfortunately, we make mistakes from time to time.

During the evaluation, he listed all the bad things I've done and none of the good and vital things I've done. Luckily, I had made a list of accomplishments and goals before the meeting. He didn't seem to really care, and because there is only two weeks left of my six months, there was no time to show real improvement...not that it would be checked anyway. So, I get a bad evaluation and it's sent to human resources and my future employment will be determined by people who I will probably never meet and I will be terminated.

Really, it's sad. Frankly, having to put up with everyone there, teachers especially, was hard and when they needed me to do something that I wouldn't know what they were talking about, it made them mad and it stressed me out. Again, I was literally hired and thrown in the isolate bookroom to figure thing out myself. I can agree that I may not be suited for the job, but I tried my best and that's really all anyone can do. It doesn't justify the treatment I received from the staff. I swear, I was like the only person working there who was brought up with any manners. No please or thank you. It's always, find this, do this, I need this!
Some coworkers were nice and will be missed should I be leaving, but most of the people I had to work with, are just flat out mean and rude to the students. They enforce too harsh of policy sometimes just finding ways to charge students for lost or forgot-at-home IDs. They are like 11.00 bucks for a cheap piece if plastic with their picture and barcode on it. I can understand the security issue with that, however, if they were caught without an ID, they were charged 11.00 bucks no matter what and the new ID would be delivered. Most of the fines assessed, like 90% or more, were all IDs. They tried making me send away students who didn't have hall passes after they walked all the way down to the bookroom for a book or to return one. Why the hell would I waste every one's time by sending a student without a hall pass back into the hall to go get one? It made no sense at all. All of the clerical and secretarial staff try running it like it's a prison...and not a school. I felt bad for the kids.

Typically, I'm not one to care whether or not someone likes or dislikes me. Whatever! Everyone can hate me until they are blue in the face, but I will not stoop down to their level. For whatever reason I was chosen to be exiled, it was really unnecessary to go behind my back rather than confront any issue they may have had with the directly. Totally unprofessional. And for my supervisor, who has no clue about running any operations in the bookroom whatsoever, who I rarely see or talk to because the bookroom was too far away for him to check up on me for six months, has no right to terminate me, nonetheless, call himself a supervisor...in order to do that, he would first need to supervise. I'm so fucking tired of people talking shit behind my back, it's my turn now! I'm pissed, I lost my job for no good reason. I hated the job but shit, it's better than no job.

People should try and make an effort to realize that I'm a person too. I'm in this world and going along for the ride just like everybody else. It would be nice if someone noticed me and recognize me as an equal. I want to do good in this world, I want to be center of attention, I want something other than the life I currently live. No one shows compassion, or feelings. Anger, deceit, angst, hopelessness are all the feeling people show toward me. Where's the love? No wonder I hate the world and all the people in it.

Judgment Day!

Stardate: 24040.9

As the days go by, one by one, and the weeks, the months, the years…I never thought to be in the position where I would be judged and tested to the limit. I have my arraignment tomorrow as well as an evaluation meeting at work. Both will shape the outcome of my shadowed, but foreseeable future.
I vowed to start this year fresh, stay out of trouble, work hard to clean up the things that slow me down, and to make this year the best year of my life. I got in trouble but it's not going to put me down. I must move on and not let things like that get in my way. I made a mistake, but that's how we as people learn. No matter the outcome, I need to be strong. I am willing to face the consequences.

Any day is a good day to start fresh. Just because this year, right now, isn't going my way, doesn't mean I give up. I just gotta play the game.

Already Fucked Up!

Stardate: 24008.2
I just had the worst day ever. The great, omnipotent higher power...or something...is testing me, I swear. Ironically, on the anniversary of the day I went to jail for the first time years ago, I fucking get arrested!
Here's what happened...Early this morning I go to Noel's house seeking great vengeance for bailing out on our plans. I went over to wake her up and demand coffee. This is something I do to Noel on a normal and regular basis. She didn't want to make coffee. Instead, she gives me money and sends me to Starbucks. I gave in and went downtown where I did the stupidest thing. I slammed the breaks very hard as I nearly almost ran a red light. I wasn't paying attention. Fortunately, for me there was a cop in the vicinity to witness my dumbass do something so stupid. Of course, I get pulled over right in front of the Starbucks I was headed to. Stupid incident number two happens when I open the glove box looking for my paperwork when suddenly a metal pipe falls out. The pipe wasn't mine, but I know how it got there and forgot it was in there. At that moment, I knew I was fucked! Sure enough, I'm in handcuffs, my car is towed, and I get hauled off to jail.
I spent the day waiting and waiting. I was released right after booking by a nice lady working at the court. I was sure I was spending the night there, but I actually cried tears of joy. I waited and waited some more before I finally get shuttled off downtown.
What a way to spend a Saturday and starting off the new year. It was a horrible day, but I'm certainly not going to let this bring me down, nor my spirit, nor my good year! I literally brushed it off and I'm totally fine. I need to be careful!