Work Related Bad Ideas…

Stardate: 24722.4

When I was 18, I fell for a guy I worked with. Back then I was young and stupid with emotions and got too attached to him. His name was Jason. At the time, I didn’t realize how bad of an idea dating someone you work with was. There was always tension between us and it was really awkward.

He was the first person I really ever fell for. Being young and stupid, I didn’t know what love was, but I sure thought I did. Though he didn’t really have any feelings for me, the feelings I had for him were strong and they were certainly there. After he expresses his lack of feelings for me saying I was nothing more than a booty call, I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do, things started to get messy. I was angry and I felt used. I was so heartbroken.

If I had never experienced my obsession with Jason, I wouldn’t be the way I am today. The feelings I felt made me stronger in way. I see it now as a huge mistake and if I could go back and change it, I would. I learned a valuable lesson, not to let my emotions, whether they are good or bad, get the best of me.

Dating someone at work became a big no no! A workplace can become very stressful. Any drama would have to be dropped at the door. To have feelings for someone you work with plus the added work stress plus seeing them more often than you’d like to see anyone equal tension and frustration. It’s something I said I’d never do again…

But guess what? I kind of have feelings for this guy I work with. I don’t know, when I started there, I never really noticed him and I thought he didn’t like me very much. Not a lot of people do, however, I don’t really care. After working with him for several months, I thought he was an asshole the way he talked to me in a kind of spiteful tone. When I started working more nights, when he usually works, we started to kick it and get to know each other a little better. I guess I kind of started to like him, but in the front of my mind, that alarm would go off, BIG NO NO!

One night he had some alcohol and shared with me. We started getting a little playful and before I knew what my stupid drunk ass just did, we hooked up. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind since…

Mixed signals, one telling me I like him, another telling me to think about things for a minute, and another saying to go for it. We both agreed to remain friends because we work together. It really hurt me to be the one to bring that up. Though it’s for the best for both of us, I do really like this guy and I really do care about him and what happens to him. It’s strange and it’s weird because I can’t explain why I have these feelings.

I don’t know what to do. I try to avoid the feelings and think about something else, but in the end, I feel like crap because I can’t have him. I get so angry and jealous when he talks about his ex or other guys. I get excited to see him at work or if we’re just kicking it. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Every fiber in my being tells me to forget about it and move on, but for some reason I can’t explain, I can’t.

The Crazy Life!

Stardate: 24716.6

Since I was about 15, I started having views in which contradicted views I was raised on. I started looking at the world more logically...more scientifically. Things began making more sense explained in a scientific view rather than a religious view. I saw the world as a very chaotic place because religion was the cause of wars and hatred. The world is politically divided and bordered because people cannot get along. I don't see why...

The belief of God or any higher power started looking like a made up lie. I mean how can anyone create man in his image, give us the power of free will, and damn us all to hell for any wrong doing, yet still loves us all the same? Crazy!!! Even at 15, I believe people are delusional and very closed mined.

Since then, I became a rebel. Everything I was taught was bad, I figured...what the hell?Here begins the crazy life. Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, staying out late, and finding crazy trouble became something I enjoyed doing. To this date, the crazy seems to follow me. I turned from good and innocent to crazy because I dropped faith in God and in the world. I think I just stopped caring about whether God was watching or not. If he was, then where was he?

I enjoy the crazy life, things seem to be more fun...more interesting...more challenging. I don't see it going away for some time.

09/09/09

Stardate: 24689.9 (09/09/09 09:09)

Today is a special day. According to those some circa 2000 years or so or whatever ago...people were aware of the night sky's repetition year after year. 365 1/4 days were created to fully complete a cycle everyone knows as a year. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 4 seasons with 2 equinoxes and 2 solstices. Tracking the sky is how we have been able to figure out shit about our universe. It’s a crazy thing. So, with setting a milestone, we have come 2009 years. The date is set and it is September 9th, 2009 making it 09/09/09.

The Past Ten Days or So…

Stardate: 24654.4

Wow, I haven't had the time to blog for a while. I need to get back up on that shit. I had a crazy past 10 days or so...

The stress of going to court is unbearable and builds more and more the closer it gets to the date. It’s stressful because I don’t have a clue what will happen to me. Every time  I’ve gone, all they seem to do is want to put me in jail. They always find something random that I never showed up to that I never knew about. It’s a crazy mess. Now, they keep postponing later and later. It’s driving me nuts! I just want this gone.

Right before having to go to court, I smashed my fucking thumb into the car door as I was shutting it. The nail is going to fall off. The smashing it part didn’t hurt as much as the rejection part. This thing is nasty…it’s been fun showing people and grossing them out. Yeah so, I hit the bottom part of the nail. I watched it turn from pink to red to blue to purple to black. Once it was black it started spreading through the whole nail. The pain was insane, I couldn’t sleep two days because of it. There wasn’t much to do but bitch and whine to myself about it. I was careful not to let anything touch it. It’s fine now. It’s gross.

Not too long after, I started feeling nauseous. I stared getting a fever and  started throwing up until there was nothing at all anymore to throw up. I could keep any food down or move or walk. Pepto worked for five minutes until that would go to. That was my secret weapon against what ever motherfucking virus this was. By day 3, I was considering going to the hospital. But my boyfriend, Rob, invited me over to take care of me. He did a good job too. I finally stopped throwing up but the nausea slowly started going away and I finally stopped. This was no swine flu. Shit, I would have gladly taken that instead. No one else I came in contact with got sick, so luckily it wasn’t contagious. On the other hand, the past 10 days for me have been hell. I was finally able to fall and stay asleep. That’s all I did yesterday, like all day. It was wonderful.

All Hands To Battle Stations…

Stardate: 24553.2

There are so many things in the world that are corrupt that I can't even begin to understand...some I don't even want to. It's strange how we consider ourselves as free people. But, if you thought really hard about it, you'd realize that we're not. We live under a false sense of security thinking that we're safe when we can succumb to an infinite number of possible things. Whether it be justified or not, we live in a realm of the unknown. There is nothing else in the world that scares the living shit out of me more than that.

Time is a curious thing, we live as of now. What's been done is done and there is no way to change the past. The future is unpredictable but we have access to choose the outcome. Everything is chosen by us as sentient beings and excepted or regretted. I have no choice but to except the inevitable. There are a few things I do regret...

First, I regret getting in trouble. I'm a good person and even though I need to take the punishment for my crimes, I still don't want to face it and I still don't think I deserve it. Second, I regret meeting a boy I absolutely fell in love with, who popped out of nowhere, and not moving my messed up life to Phoenix and starting over like I should have. It's too late for that now. Third, I regret making everything seem like it is okay. I know that for the past few months things haven't been okay, things aren't okay, and I'm not really sure whether or not things will ever be okay. I sure as hell don't have anyone here telling me it going to be okay.

I live as though my ship is being sailed straight into the heart of the enemy. There is a war and it's all hands to battle stations. No hope of escape, no hope of survival, just waiting for the attack. Everyone must do there best, despite the odds, and fight to the bitter end...just as we do in real life. We are not safe, but we all do the best we can, and that's all we really can do.

The Odd Reunion.

Stardate: 24318.9

Today was my first a working back at Sonic, where I never thought I'd ever end up again. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. At first, I was nervous info weird just by being there. I worked there for three years include two years ago, after two years there's been a lot that has changed and some that hasn't changed at all. I used to be a manager there and knew the place so well. After a while, I started having a feeling like I belong, kind of like I was home…not that I want to work there for the rest of my life. I guess I grew very accustomed to the place, it just feels like home. It is very odd.

But, I survived. Whether or not I like the decision I made, I need this job…I need a job. It's a job! I was kind of surprised that they hired me back because I didn't exactly leave on the best of terms. Nothing serious though. I was put under a lot of pressure and stress I wasn't able to handle at that time, so I freaked out, left, and never went back. The only thing I have to do is get to know and get along with all the new people that I now work with.

A Time To Celebrate?

Stardate: 24313.6

The reason why I lost my job with APS back in January wasn’t because of the economy or for anything bad…I wasn’t qualified for the job. My supervisor, one of the assistant principals at Highland High School, was an idiot. He is one of those people that can sit you down and make you feel small, inferior, and useless. He told me that if he had anything to do with my hiring in the first place, I would have never been hired. Luckily, I’m a person who can take scrutiny. He wasn’t able to make me feel small, inferior, or useless, but he sure put me in my place. Listening to the long list of things that I was doing that he didn’t like, I started thinking why is this job worth staying for? Fuck it! I didn’t really do or say much to try to save my job.

So, I was fired. I guess I can say I was a little depressed about it. I didn’t really do much to get another job. In fact, I’ve tried to avoid getting a new job. I wanted to sleep and be lazy all day. I wanted to watch TV and eat ice cream. I just wanted to be left alone. Now, that I have no money, I decided to go to Sonic and fill out an application. Sure enough I got my job back. I really don’t know what to think, I hope this will be a good thing. I’m excited. I don’t think is really a time to celebrate a job a kind of hated and walked out with angst. What the hell, to a job…let’s celebrate.

What’s Happening On That Crazy Island?

Stardate: 24291.4 The Island...one crazy, weird, tripped out, mysterious place. LOST is a show beyond anything I have ever seen before. It's my favorite show. There is so much going on, too much to explain it all, but everyone has their story that you learn little by little throughout the entire show. Crazy and sometimes horrible things will happen that you never expect. Any questions you may have, have you dying for the answers...and you have to wait for those. The storyline timeline is all chaotic, so you will know something happened but it will be explained why or how later on. The show drives me absolutely insane. There's always a cliffhanger at the end of each episode. I always scream "NOOOOOOO!" at the end and have to wait until next week...sometimes next season. It's frustrating but exciting all the same and I encourage everyone to watch. I can't wait to see what happens.

What's Turning Into…The Year Of Hell!

Stardate: 24288.0

I am surviving this horrible, shitty year. Though I am surviving, I am at my breaking point. The year started out horrible, than just got worse. Bad economy, huh? That seems to be what everyone stuck on. The banks are freaking out because there's a shortage of money...our government seems to be coming up with it out of thin air. So, the banks stop lending money, jobs are cut, people stop spending, and the whole damn thing fell apart. Who's to say things will get better? What's to keep it from happening again?

I want the economy to be the least of my troubles, however, it's not. The economic crisis is just an added bonus. The society I have the misfortune of living amongst on this God forsaken rock has turned on me. There is no justice in this world. I don’t have any intention of doing harm to anyone. I leave everyone alone, but that doesn’t stop anyone from leaving me alone. For having a pipe in my glove box, I am being punished. I forgot the stupid thing was in there. It wasn’t like I was selling weed, growing it or smoking it right there in my car while I was getting pulled over. It’s not like I asked the cop if he would like to take a hit while he writes a traffic ticket.

They heard the “that’s not mine” story too many times to believe that I was being truthful and honest. I explained how it got there. No, I spent the next ten hours being released at the jail because I guess I was an incredible danger to society. When I get there the clerk said she would trust me to show up to court and I would be released. Being released took forever, I just sat and waited all day and all night before they shuttled me and small group downtown. If I was going to jail for a pipe, I wonder how many people are in there for something similar or for something petty. What are jails for again? I thought it was to keep dangerous people away from everybody so no one gets hurt. But I now know that law enforcement abuses it to put harmless and practically innocent people away to pay there fines and such. I should have put those cop on a high speed chase, driving on the wrong side of the road, hitting a pedestrian or two, and find a lovely mini van or SUV to ram into killing an nice family just so it would actually be worth going to jail. That would have been something.

So, anyway I show up to court plead not guilty and await trial. If found guilty, my sentence would be a $1000.00 fine and/or a year in jail. I was in stock. I had no legal counsel, but I wasn’t going to spend any time in jail so I took the plea deal for community service and the ASPEN class. I did the community service but the ASPEN class cost $100.00 which I didn’t have because I am unemployed and worthless. So, just for fun, I decided to drag this out even longer. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I’m scared. Jail is a place I never want to go to again. The judge can order me to be booked right there. I am in the position where I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I never wanted it to get this messy, but it is. I am pretty damn sure that this is hell. It sure is what’s turning into the year of hell. I’m just not too sure I’m there yet…

The Punishment Light

Stardate: 24238.6
    I watched an episode of Weeds titled The Punishment Light. I totally have one of those. The Punishment Light is an evil red light that stays red and will not change. I sit there and I wait and wait and wait. I watched the across lights change to yellow and get ready to go, but to my frustration it stays red. The opposite direction gets the green and the green left arrow. By this time, I have called the light every bad word in the book. It's the middle of the night and there's no one around, so I start debating whether or not to run the damn light. Then, it dawns on me that I'm being punished for doing something bad. Oh, and then it turns green! In case you're wondering, it's Carlisle and Candelaria heading southbound . This takes me back to watching that episode of Weeds, because the same exact thing happened on that show for the same reason.
    I did do something bad. My question is, was I really being punished? Who is punishing me or is it that I am leading myself to believe I'm being punished to deal with the guilt? I guess such a question should be left for eternity. I guess we will never know. I swear, it is like that light knew exactly how to upset me.