My Baby Beloved

Stardate: 33504.7

It's been a month since Woogies was taken from outside Dollar Tree on Juan Tabo and Menaul. My baby, my best friend...taken from me! He was all that I had left in the world...literally!

I made the most terrible mistake ever! That was leaving him outside and alone in his carrier for a fre minutes while I ran inside to buy him food. You cannot trust anyone these days. I am so heartbroken by this. It's a tragidy. A member of my family was kidnapped in seconds and never seen by me since.

I've tried all kinds of things... Newspaper ads, flyers, Craigslist, and Nextdoor. Not one lead or tip. Nothing! Will I ever see him again? I hope so.

I've Done It Again

Stardate: 31772.6

It's hard to believe that I put so much effort and thought into trying to get someone to like me. I only got hurt in the end. Now, as I try getting back to normal, I can't help but look back at everything. I was stupid to think that he would be interested in me at all. I was in complete denial the whole time. It put an emptiness inside me I never felt before. I've been heartbroken before, but this one really got to me. I've never been shut out before. I'll never get an explanation, I'll never know what happened or what changed...Now, all I can do is try to forget and try and pick up my self esteem.

The Return

Stardate: 31552.8

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Well, I’m back…like anyone cares. I haven’t written since July of 2012. Since that time, I’ve have tons of things to bitch about! I can tell you that I’m a completely different person then I was then. That’s partly why I stopped writing. A lot of crazy things have happened to me. A lot of things I learned and grew from. Things that I suffered and struggled through. Not all of it was bad. There were some good times, but the most memorable times were, of course, the bad.
Growing up is something everyone does. I guess at the ripe old age of 30 is finally the time that I decide to grow up. I never embraced responsibility, at least, not until it was forced upon me. I realize how that might sound, but sadly, it’s true.
I guess you can say that I was very spoiled growing up. I had everything I needed, lots of things I wanted, and never had to worry about anything. Getting everything you ever wanted simply by throwing a tantrum was a manipulative was of getting what I want. Since it worked about 80% of the time, that's what I did.

Now fending for myself, that doesn't work so much. I have to find ways around my childish tenancies and do things the hard way.

The Beginning of the End

Stardate: 27529.3

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The year 2012 has been dubbed, by most, the year the world is going to end. Since human beings cannot foresee the future, the ability to predict such an event is practically impossible. No one even knows how it’s going to all end…that is something that everyone has to figure out when the end occurs. In the meantime, we wait…

However, I do not believe the world will end, not this year or anytime in the near future…but someday…

Just in case the end is right around the corner, this is the beginning of the end. So many people believe this because an ancient civilization created their complicated version of a calendar which is calculated to stop on winter solstice, December 21,2012. I don’t think it occurred to anyone that they may have never finished it. We can really ask them because they were wiped out long ago. So, it just caught on for everyone that 2012 was the year the world was going to end.

Now that we are almost to that point, to me, it seems unlikely anything will happen. Who really knows? I can tell you that this year, so far, has been a weird one. Scratch that! It’s been one hell of a crazy year, one I will remember forever. It’s extremely difficult to forget, not just my world falling apart, but my life as well. People who I thought I trusted have all turned on me. There is not one human being I can trust with anything. The minute things between myself and anyone else seem to be alright…that’s when they turn on you and for reasons that don’t seem to make any sense at all…asking the question, why…you lose everything with that person that actual time was spent putting together, the friendship. It’s gone!

When the realization kicks in that nothing in my life is going to ever be the same again, I seclude myself. I hide. Everything in that moment seems so impossible. Things literally feet away became to far to reach, things that were simple to accomplish became unbearable to deal with, everything freezes like it’s standing still. The movie is on pause with no remote control to push play…my life is not going anywhere, I’m stuck!

All alone in this place where the others have all turned against me…it sucks! But I know that I’m alive anyway…I have to deal with the people in world. I have to do something for myself and get on track. If the end of the world IS near, then doing anything seems to be a hopeless cause. I’m only just beginning so close to the end. I had all the time in the world to better myself and start living an actual life, but waited until it was too late…damn!

The Universe

Stardate: 26515.9

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The universe has its mysterious ways about it…after all, it just popped into existence one day. Before that, who knows?

The extreme vastness of the universe expands far beyond the eye can see. It’s governed by laws of strange phenomenon that takes complicated mathematics to understand. Matter is built by the tiniest of things and bound by gravity, create massive objects that bend and fold space itself. Stars forge heavier elements creating me, you, and everything around us…

The most massive of objects collapse into infinity, not to be seen again, but devour anything in its wake. Swirling up all matter around it, black holes form galaxies and slowly dance with one another in the dark voids of space.

The universe is amazing…we may never discover it’s secrets…where did we come from? Where are we going? What’s the reason for all this?

Discovering the mysteries of the universe is as old as our understanding itself. It gives those of us with the curiosity to explore the great unknowns to better ourselves and the rest of humanity. We achieve our power through understanding and knowledge.

Conspiracy Theory!

Stardate: 25723.3

Letting your imagination run wild can be a very bad thing. You think you know someone...They tell you things and you believe everything they say. However, sometimes their actions contradict their words. When that happens, I start believing that they are working against me in the worst ways. If I'm left in the dark too long, my mind keeps wondering and wondering until I start believing things I put together. Then, I freak out and explode. I make such a mess of things out of what could be nothing...yet still could also be true.

I'm frustrated with the fact that I care so much about this guy, I do very generous things for him and go out of my way to make sure he's happy. He's been through a lot...more than one person alone should go through...I’m always there for him…and I get nothing, just the hard emotions that come with it. I don't ask for anything in return except for his attention and some time to spend with him.

I started to think that he was just using me, calling me only when he needed something and then start avoiding and ignoring me when he didn’t. He does things that make me question how he really feels. I just want him to be safe and happy…that’s all! But, it’s like he doesn’t want that or something…I don’t know.

Tabula Rasa...

Stardate: 25639.9

You know when you do something you kind of regret doing and wish you had that handy time machine to take you back to stop you from doing it...boy, wouldn't that be the day? You're minding your own damn business, when suddenly your crazy, future self appears from thin air, and stopping you from doing something stupid...which would defeat the purpose of you having to go back in time, in the future, to stop yourself from doing nothing you ever did because your future self stopped you from doing it...

Anyways, I know everyone has done something they just wish they had never done. Unfortunately, time travel isn't possible. Making mistakes is all part of the human learning process. Though, sometimes it would be nice if everyone was born knowing all the secrets of the universe...mistakes wouldn't be made.

I owe someone a huge debt of gratitude, for the mistake I made with him, others would see as unforgiveable. It takes real patience and a good heart to forgive me for what I had done. After I realized I was making a big mistake, all I wanted was a damn time machine. The damage was done, but hearing him say, “it’s okay,” was such a huge relief. It was as though I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, taking it a long distance while the continued to build and build…I was suddenly allowed to drop the weight and given tabula rasa, a clean slate…

I will certainly learn from my mistake…the whole point of learning from mistakes is to know not to ever do it again. I was given another chance by the most wonderful and understanding person. I couldn’t ask for anything else…not even a time machine.

The Best of Times, The Worst if Times…

Stardate: 25634.0

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I get lost in this perfect world where everything is peaceful and happy. I can’t figure out why I attach myself to certain people. I always end up hurting myself…

I thought I found love. Turns out, I was kidding myself. I meet this guy, we fool around, we start talking, and suddenly, I care about him. On a level beyond friends, beyond anything I've ever experienced, we seriously connected. I could call him my best friend. He is so kind, so sweet, and so sincere. I'm surprised that someone like him exists in this world. The feeling I got when I looked at him and smiled, I knew that he loved me too. Then, something happened…something changed and suddenly, that feeling was gone.

Though he claims I did nothing, he says it’s him…that he’s going through a lot and can’t handle a relationship and that we should be friends. I guess I’m a good friend because that’s usually what it turns out to be. I was devastated. That’s when I turned into an emotional mess. Why? When the two of us connected so well and have a lot in common and care about each other, why would he push me away? I feel like I must have made it all up in my head, but I know there was something there. I know it!

I don’t know why I cling to people like that. I push too hard for a relationship when I should just let things happen. Now I’m left with so many unanswered questions and a lost, lonely feeling inside. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I never met him so I wouldn’t feel like this…but I know that that is wrong. I love this guy, I’ll stand by him, I’ll fight for him…but who knows.

I have the best time hang out with him…joking, laughing, talking, or just being in his company. I have the worst time dealing with my feelings inside…of doubt, remorse, and rejection. I’m angry at myself for getting so close and caring so much for a guy that doesn’t feel the same way. Though the feelings I have for him won’t go away, I know I’ll make it. Hopefully, something good will come out of all of this.

The Alternative

Stardate: 25391.4

The other day, as I was watching Lost. At the end of last season, they blew up a nuclear device 30 years in the past. The beginning of this season they started showing an alternate universe where the plane they were on never crashed and landed safely in Los Angeles. The nuclear device potentially stopped the construction of a hatch designed to control the instability of a magnetic pocket of energy on the island, which caused the plane to crash.

In this universe, I certainly have not lived up to my potential. I want to be somebody important in this world, somebody who makes a difference. There is no doubt in my mind that I am this person in an alternate universe.

I personally do not believe in alternate universes. I believe that time is only a human perception of something that had happened in a blink of an eye. Everything we know is set in stone. We are living our lives on predetermined path with a fork in the road. Go left or go right. It is only people’s imagination of what could have been that allow the idea of alternate universes. We can choose any number of decisions at one point. In the end, you are only aware of the one choice you made, not the alternative. You either go left or you go right, you simply cannot do both.

It gets you thinking though. I think about the choices I have made and my possible outcomes to every bad decision. I cannot go back in time and blow up a nuclear device to change my life but I can learn from every mistake and focus on making better decisions in the future. Maybe I will be somebody someday...

Ringing In The New Year...

Stardate: 24991.7

For what was suppose to be The Year of The Phenomenon, it turned into The Year of Total Bullshit! I would like every year to be a good year. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. In the case of 2009, it was horrible.

I don't ever want to label a year good or bad anymore. 2009 has been a total nightmare from the beginning. I guess having high hopes brought down my whole positive aspect of what was suppose to be a year of moving forward…instead, my life went backwards. So many things went wrong, it feels as though nothing good came out of this year. I lost my nice job at APS, I went to jail and dealt with a year of court drama, I had so many social imperfections, and I’ve become so distant from my family. It’s just so depressing…

I am ready for something new. I need to change my life around. I am sick of being stuck in a dead end. There is no time better than the start of a new year to change things around. I want to be happy again. I need things to go my way. 2010 is the year I’m going to make a few adjustments that will hopefully turn everything 180 degrees back in the right direction.

First thing’s first! I’m going back to school. I’m going to go for a pharmacy technician degree in the fall. I need to start my prerequisites this spring to get ready for the fall term. No more fucking around. I need a job that can support my way of living. I can’t stay at Sonic forever.

Next, I need to get rid of all the shitty people in my life that are holding me back. This includes people that are roughly judgmental. I’m sick of people that are closed minded and can’t think for themselves. I care for the people that care about themselves and others and treat people as equals. I’m ready to welcome new people that can see the world as I do.

Last, I need to focus on the future. My future. As everyone should say to themselves, “This is my world, everyone else is just living in it.” Drama that isn’t my own will no longer be tolerated. It’s time I worry about my life and not other people’s messy lives. Everyone is forced to coexist with one another, but not forced to involve themselves in someone else’s life. Drama is only a distraction from my goals.

2010 is the year my life is going to change. If I keep my head up high, I can strive to be the person I have longed to be…to be someone in this world.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and wish everyone good luck on their resolutions. It’s not going to be easy, but everyone deserves some hope. Happy 2010!